But no.... for weeks now we've been plagued by incessant hassle from UK companies that simply cannot facilitate anything worthwhile and over complicate even the simplest thing like putting on your socks, which nowadays requires written (yes with paper and ink) approval from 2 individuals who must reside within the same house and one of whom must use the same toilet as you. Upon approval you must fill out some more forms.
Once you finally put on your socks, you will no doubt find out that that northern bint did not actually give you the correct information, and that in fact both the aforementioned housemates MUST use the same toilet as you and you must get the 2nd roommate to actually visit the London office between the hours of 4:58am and 5:00am on a Sunday.
Until said individual can do this, you will receive letters informing you of the imminent death of your mother unless you take off your socks immediately.
Well....
Without needing to go into details of how terrorists might like to place false adverts in Auto Trader... clearly as a recruitment technique of course, it makes perfect sense that in the modern age (this being the two thousandth and ninth year of our Lord), that all communication in the world must be done by postal, recorded delivery. E-Mails are not an acceptable form of communication anymore, neither are Web Sites, telephones or anything electronic. This is a very tidy way to stop another 911 from happening.
I can tell that UK businesses are now being run by the type of imbecilic 16 year old dossers that I used to teach who now see business and IT as the new Art College.
The meek, have indeed inherited the Earth and turned it into a pile of steaming turd.
Suffice it to say, Jo - you're heading to the Falklands soon, anyone else reading this who ever tries to leave the UK a word of warning.... Sever ALL Ties.
If you don't you'll end up feeling like the sort of pointless drunk teenager who wanted Independence, but got ditched by their friends at 2am and had to call your parents to pick you up!!
We were supposed to come out here and relieve our parents from worries, instead, because of inadequate UK businesses we find our selves almost daily in the past month or so Skyping them so that they can call these idiotic companies and sort out the problems.... reason? Well the companies will put you on hold if you call from Canada, and make you wait 15 minutes, which costs and absolute fortune. And if you try to use a UK website from Canada (including Play.com).... you can't, they block your IP in case you are a terrorist... ordering the latest Red Dwarf DVD... 'can't have these terrorists getting thier hands on our humour!'
Place a car ad on Auto Trader?... no, you're clearly recruiting.
Pay your Microsoft XBox Live account renewal?... no way you terrorist scum!!
How about pay taxes?...
Taxman: "No need, you don't live here Mr Rajamanie - you don't need to pay us taxes... "
Me: "Oh.. that's very kind... anything I have to do?"
Taxman: "Just fill out this form sir :)"
Me:"Tum Te Tum............ ok there you go... is that all?"
Taxman: "Yes, have a great life in Canada sir... I love you... "
... 6 months later ....
Taxman: "If you don't pay us £50000 in the next 5 minutes we shall travel back in time and mix your families primordial soup with bleach!"
Me: "WTF!?? Why... you told me you loved me?"
Taxman: "You are a terrorist and a lying, thieving scum bag, and you must be dealt with!"
Me: "But we filled out all the forms... I could have e-mailed them to you, that would have been quicker, and I would have had a backup... and your server could easily have verified your receipt... but it had to be paper based, and I relied on the UK postal service?... Please, don't kill us!"
Taxman: "The UK postal service is wonderful and delivered your forms to us - do not try to mock them now or I will kill you, then travel back to yesterday and kill you again!!!!"
Me: "So... if you received the forms.... what's the problem?"
Taxman: "Only one form was received with your signature only Mr Rajamanie... we did not receive the required blood sample from your wife or your left nut! Which you should have supplied... or filled out form 64-8!!"
Me: "Oh... can I fill out the form now?... why didn't you tell us sooner.. I mean we supplied you with our address, our phone number and our e-mail... if you'd noticed we needed a form.. why didn't you e-mail me the following day... why leave it 6 months... and come to think of it - you told me that everything was fine, and only ever told me about the 1 form?... you F&%$$! %£ *^(((((((( )))))))))!!!!"
Taxman: "Well... I cannot speak for whoever you dealt with and can only apologies for the mistake but ... the computer says... 'no'.... so either pay up now? Fill out form 64-8 or face annihilation... it's your choice sir - but I've done all I can. I'm 15, from the north. I've spoken to my supervisor, and my colleague and they would like to say that they do not sympathise with you, you make us sick, and we cannot all wait to fart on you... besides it was a clerical error on our part, completely our fault.. but - there's jack you can do about that because you'll have to send a written letter of complaint which will be binned by our 16 year old masters"
Me: "Oh.. OK... where do I get the form from?"
Taxman: "Our website, we're very technically advanced here, our vice president made our website for us when he was here on work experience.. he's very good... or is he a she?.. not sure... it wears very tight jeans though, and covers half it's face with straightened black hair... so hip!... All hail Vicey"
Me: "Oh... erm, ok - well I'm on the website, but every time I click on the .PDF it bombs out... is the link broken?"
Taxman: "Hmmmm... where are you trying to access our WORLD Wide Website from?"
Me: "Canada...?"
Taxman: "MUUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA you are all going to DIEEEEE!!!!"
Me: "........"
......
Me: "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
7 comments:
I LOVE your ranting Raj. Cracks me up.
We are already encountering the whole leaving the Uk nonsense and just to make it worse we have DOUBLE CONFUSION as we are moving to an independently governed UK overseas territory. So we are UK, but not. Totally fucks with their heads.
It's pathetic isn't it. When we were leaving, just the amount of idiots to call, house insurance, car insurance, child benefit, this account, that account... the list is almost endless - and they all want redemption fees and leaving fees - costs you an arm and a leg.
Went through that, thought it was over... just try to get it ALL done whilst you can, there will still be idiots that you have to deal with once yo've left... my advice?... ignore them!
Good luck, it's not easy, don't get caught out with banks etc.
Oh.. here's one you might want to look out for (I got told becaue I pry and talk, Kath was NOT told). Our bank... once your credit/debit card expires, they send you a new one right? - however they will NOT send it overseas, and they will NOT send it to any address that you specify. YOU and YOU alone must walk into thier office to pick it up.
This means that you , of course won't fly back, and you'll be without access to your UK bank account from abroad once your card expires (even if in a year or so).
There's only one alternative, and that is to LIE to the bank and state your address as a UK one (parents or trustworthy friends), then the card will get sent automatically and they can forward it to you - pathetic!!
This is our bank, your bank may be different - but be sure to find thing like this out.
We rely on our UK bank to get funds from the UK, our rent from our tennent, parent gifts (birthday money etc.) and to dip into for emergencies (i.e. the TV and the car recently). The main reason for htis is that we have an overdraft with it, and out here we can't get ANY overdraft or credit until after 6 months and having a credit card - which we have to pay a deposit for.
I hope you do not have these hassles - but check it out, because when it hits you and you have to phone that northen bint with no authority and a text book in front of her, you'll cause yourself unesserray stress and anger.
Idiots!
Good luck...
And the UK government has the cheek to suggest rolling out broadband to all households by 2011so that it, and every householder (and presumably every citizen including babies,plus un-steady 80 and 90 year olds in care homes)can do all its its business by email or electronically intending to do away with pieces of paper, letters,forms or whatever. Notwithstanding this, its own employees still request things in writing!! so why not dispense with these call centres altogether. They are a worthless waste of monetary resources. The human resources manning these call centres are of course useless imbeciles anyway. Lets create a new scrap heap for them close to a nuclear landfill site. I agree, if anyone is leaving the UK, sever all things completely EXCEPT your EU nationality and passport. Even renewing the photocard driving licence that expires every 5 years will be a huge problem despite a massive upfront fee of 100 quid or so.
As for renewal of debit card (this bank is now 70% taxpayer owned, they still think they are a private sector company as they were before WE bailed them out). When they refuse issue of debit card to permanent overseas address, threaten them with a complaint to the Financial Services Ombudsmen. The mere mention of such action will bring about a sharpe reversal with the age old story " as a goodwill gesture blah blah blah...". These morons are quick to shout "globalisation etc, etc when it suits, and even sends its own low calibre stock to work abroad in its GLOBAL branches and so called ventures, but can't renew credit or debit cards to its own customers addresses abroad! Keep on ranting Damian, it will make you feel better, I am certain there will be more intances when you will need to give vent to your anger. Dad.
That is absolute crap, you'd think that someone or a family leaving the UK that they would be glad as it would make room for the huge flood of immigrants arriving each day.
an immigrant can walk into a bank and say to the nice lady "I want a bank account please, I have no ID, oh and I do not have a job but would like a debit card to spend all the money your taxpayers will give me" to which they will gladly hand over without a second glance.
Yet for someone not living in the UK no longer they want to make live hell for them!!!!
rant away I say, if they can make live easy for ppl coming into the UK they should do it for those that have left.
Rant away Raj! I think nutter may be slightly missinformed tho.
And getting to Canadia was oh so easy,..oh, no wait a minute, I was thinking of something else..
I quite liked the slimey immegents remark :)
Whatever you do, don't come back. It's even worse. The inland revenue will have you down as a terrorist for not paying any taxes for several months/years and will insist on your DNA before taking you off an emergancy tax code. Expect to fill in endless forms explaining your exact movements for the time you were away (and why). I got this when I came back from OZ / NZ, forms to fill in explaining why I was away, how much I earned whilst I was away ( just incase I was fiddling the system).
Severe ties quickly is the best bit of advice. Open a new bank account ASAP and move your money over. Close existing accounts or sign them over to your parents/trusted friends to manage whilst away. Banks don't like people leaving and think making it awkward to leave is a good way to stop them.
Oh, also don't think a world bank (Yes HSBC i'm looking at you) is any better. Most HSBC customers who travelled to OZ were suprised to find they couldn't access their UK bank account from the HSBC OZ branchs (except thro' the usual high charge VISA/Mastercard system).
Good luck Raj, I'm sure after a few months the idiots will stop harrasing you.
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